Try to “Influence” as Opposed to Tell

Try to “Influence” as Opposed to Tell

As time has passed through 2020, one of the things I began to notice was being disturbed by communication that was looking to “tell” me what I should do. Whether it came via personal contacts, reading articles, broadcast media, social media or the like, I seemed to find that most times when I was in an upset or unsettling mood, it was because I was being blasted with communication opposite to my views. That it was opposite my views certainly was one part of the equation I did not like, but the other part was that often the communication, in the way it was presented, made me feel belittled. I knew something had to change.

In thinking more deeply as to what was happening to me, and my reactions, I began to realize that the communication that most turned me off, was presented in exactly the opposite manner of how I had been trained as a coach. When one goes through true coach training, a good coaching program will guide the aspiring coach to become a good listener. In addition, it will make them aware of the value of “open ended” questions. Open ended questions ask of the person you are addressing to express their views and feelings. If done the way it is meant to be done, it can lead to further follow-up questions, discussion and understanding of feelings and the others point of view. It also offers the opportunity for the questioner to (if they continue to remember the premise of conversation), to state what parts of the other person’s views with which they agree, and which parts they are still either deciding upon, or have a difficult time incorporating into their life.

Are open ended questions the be all and end all of avoiding conflict or unsettling conversations? Certainly not always. However, if the people communicating are seriously looking to understand the other’s point of view, and accept the fact that it may not be exactly the same as theirs, the chances are far better. When the conversation takes a tone that is more about “what I would do in this situation if I were you,” or this is where “I feel you are wrong,” conflict is not far behind. One who approaches a conversation in such a way has made the conversation about them, and not necessarily about the topic or views that were being discussed.

As I indicated earlier, my coach training, both the life coaching and career coach training is heavily based in “influence” based conversation. While the large majority of my practice is in career coaching and job search strategy training, there are always “life based” coaching aspects involved. I have had people say to me when they learn of the work I do, “so you tell people what they have to do to find a job!” I quickly correct them of that misconception. I work with them to build a strategy that will work for them in terms of their job search. I may believe for example, their resume’ should have certain language, or that their Linked In profile should be a certain way, etc., and I may either make suggestions, or explain why they may want to institute such a strategy. But, never is it a situation if there is an uncomfortable feeling in implementing a strategy, where I am imposing my will on the client by telling them, what they must do. I’ll look to discuss with them what approaches are comfortable for them, which are not and the pros and cons of such an approach. By doing so I’m looking to move them to a feeling of comfort in using approaches to which they may have resistance.

If you find that you have been involved in a lot of conflict based conversations, or are frustrated frequently that others do not seem to align with your point of view, take a step back. First get comfortable that your viewpoint is what works best for you and it is one with which you are comfortable. If you get conflicting advice make the decision if you want to consider it, or any part of it, and incorporate it into your life. On the other hand if you are concerned about another, and feel what you have to offer is best for them to incorporate into their life, be willing to rationally explain what you feel are the benefits of such an approach, and how it may be of benefit. Looking to “influence” as opposed to directly tell will lead to more comforting relationships and conversations for you with others and in your day to day life.