Surviving in a World of Conflicting Viewpoints
I have been a coach now for 11 years. My coaching studies have been an excellent education for me. For one thing they made me very aware of the value of listening, and looking to practice it as often as I can. Another reality of my coaching studies is that they made me even more aware of both the differences and similarities in people. Often we’re able to easily spot the differences. Some of them may be physical. Some of them may manifest themselves in terms of lifestyle. And, certainly they can become very noticeable in the words we hear others say and their passion in expressing them.
I will 100% absolutely acknowledge that I am a person who does not like to get embroiled in conflict. Part of it is certainly in how I am made. Some of it I honestly feel goes back to how I was raised, by two blue collar parents who frankly stayed very much to themselves, and got their greatest joy in raising their children and trying to have the best experiences possible with them. My brother, sisters and I were raised by two individuals who basically taught us to get along with everyone we meet, and to treat them as nicely as you would want people to treat you. I must say to this day, the 4 of us as we are in our 60’s and 50’s age range wise, still adhere to the same principles.
We live in a world that appears to be more contentious all the time. Certainly living in a world where news is at out fingertips almost immediately, whether it be from TV or radio, our computers or even our phones contribute to it. In addition, it is not difficult now for anyone to have a platform to convey their viewpoint. And, I must admit even I am part of that with my monthly blogs and newsletters. Compliment that with the ability of readers to comment on what has been communicated to them, (usually through the comments section of a posting and providing their feedback) contributes to information overload and stress.
I guess this all came to a head for me this past month. I was speaking about it with a friend of mine who is a psychologist and who has been a sounding board for me for years. What I conveyed to my friend has been a conscious effort on my part to really ration what I have been saying and looking to listen even more than usual. As it is, I am often encouraged by an entrepreneurial networking group of which I am a part to remember that we all have one mouth and two ears, and should use them proportionally. Certainly of late I’ve tended to follow that 2/3 listening, 1/3 stating my opinion approach, with if anything erring on the side of caution to listen (and later process), more than the 2/3 that is recommended.
The listening has been combined with a lot of thoughtful reflection afterward on what has been said. What leads that individual to have their viewpoints? While I may disagree with their opinion on a topic, what has them so entrenched that their belief is the correct one, while anyone who disagrees is wrong. With the pandemic and its limiting many of the activities I like to do, I have found myself reading a lot more in 2020. One book I read earlier this summer is “I’m OK, You’re OK.” While written about 50 years ago, I had never read it before and took with it an important message.
We all live our lives on a belief system from 3 major sources. One is known as the “Parent,” which are the lessons we were taught through our parents and elders. A second is known as the “Child,” which again goes back to the lessons we learned growing up, but more importantly the lasting impact they had on us. For example, a traumatic event in childhood can stay with a person the rest of their life, and cause them to find difficulty or have fear dealing with similar type situations in adulthood. The third of the sources is the “Adult.” The “Adult” is built by the lessons learned in adulthood and being exposed to other people and viewpoints. The parts of one’s personality that evolve as part of the “Adult” are not always easy to incorporate because they can mean casting aside long held beliefs that were ingrained through the Parent or Child.
If you are like me, and have difficulty in dealing with conflict, or just get frustrated hearing conflicting point of views to the point that it just turns you off, perhaps the approach I have tried to adopt into my life, and continue to try to adopt is right for you. Again, it takes a lot of discipline, requires the desire to be a strong and attentive listener, but most of all realize it is best to not just respond or strike right away, but give yourself time to process and think through what is best and right for you in living your life.
