Empathy

Empathy

I had a colleague ask me recently, if there were one or two words to describe myself as a coach what would I say. The first thought that came to my mind, was I am an “empathetic listener.” As I thought more about it, I said to myself, perhaps I should do some research to verify if my feelings about myself and how I approach others, (whether they are my clients or not) was accurate.

According to the definitions I could find on the word “empathy,” were descriptions such as “the ability to understand and share the feelings of others,” “the ability to sense other people’s emotions” or “to feel or understand what another person is experiencing from their frame of reference.” Often individuals confuse the emotions of sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is attempting to understand someone from your own perspective. Empathy is putting yourself “in someone else’s shoes” and understanding WHY they may have “a set of individual feelings.”

While I would never profess to be a behavioral scientist or psychologist, I do believe that “empathy” is something greatly lacking in our society. Sometimes a lack of empathetic feelings can be extremely obvious. A good example of this would be the diverse reactions to social distancing and lockdown mandates from the coronavirus experiences that we have faced as a world over the last two years. Often individuals were determined to state their beliefs based on what they felt was right for them, and not have a care at all for the feelings of other people. Other times, lack of empathetic feelings can be less apparent in a situation.

For the past several months I have had the privilege of working with an Afghanistan refugee family on navigating the employment process in the United States. I am doing so through a volunteer agency that is providing its services through the dictates of a U.S. government organization. The guidelines from the U.S. government have distinct timelines, expectations and courses of action to take built into them, putting pressures on the administrators of the volunteer organization to recommend approaches to the refugee family that would be best for them, WITHOUT TAKING INTO ACCOUNT THE FEELINGS OF THE FAMILY. This has led to conflict and pushback between the family and the organizations. Much of this I feel could have been avoidable, if empathy for what the family has been through, even before arriving at their new home, and they’re expectations in coming to a new homeland had been taken into consideration.

If you are looking to improve your empathy toward the feelings of others, here are 5 steps to consider:

1. Listen actively to the other person. That means truly pay attention to them, no distractions, no looking to multi-task, etc. To be an effective listener you must be actively involved in the conversation.
2. Recognize the emotions of others. That may mean asking non-threatening opened ended questions to get them to express their feelings.
3. Accept their interpretations of events. Do not look to judge those interpretations or share your interpretations. This is about connecting to their emotions
4. Restate what you heard are the issues and feelings they have toward a situation.
5. Ask permission to move forward, before trying to find solutions to the situation at hand.

While empathy is a far more complicated subject than a 5-step guide, as I indicated earlier, it is often an emotion which is not always practiced well in today’s world. If you are an individual who is determined to connect with others, especially those who may need your help, think differently than you, or for whom you have a passion to share your talents, the skill of being empathetic will help to enhance those connections for you.