Boy, I Miss Having Good In Depth Conversations

I was commenting to my wife recently, that I was noting a lack of good solid conversations in my life.  Yes, I do have conversations with my clients in the coaching sessions that I have with them.  However, those are usually focused on helping them with their job search strategy at hand, or interpreting that which has gone on in their search since the last time I spoke to them.  And, while those indeed do energize me, (my wife says that even though the door to my office is closed, she can tell when I am engaged either in a session that pumps up my energy, or in a presentation that I do for job searchers).

However, outside of that world, those type of conversations seem to be lacking.  Some of it, I will take accountability for, in that more of my life is spent at home or behind a computer screen in the activities that I do in my day-to-day life.  I do think that there is more behind it than that.  When I am out, I know that I have fallen into the trap of being enamored with what is coming through on my phone as the latest news. That happens when I am alone.  I am very conscious of avoiding that behavior when I am with others. 

Another item I do feel that is contributing to the lack of good in-depth conversations that I am perceiving, is the contentious nature of relationships themselves in our society.  If we know the people we are with, we may be reluctant to speak about certain topics.  If we do not know the people, we may make judgments about what that individual we are with may believe or not believe in, and avoid topics completely.  While this may help to avoid arguments, it may hurt our understanding of getting to know that person and why they believe as they do, better. 

I do not always agree with every opinion and belief of every client that I serve or the members of professional organizations of which I may be a part.  However, “when I am clicking on all cylinders,” I can go back to many of the skills I learned in my coach training to truly connect with another individual.  Those skills and thought processes include the following.

As they say on the game show Jeopardy, most of my conversation comes “in the form of questions.”  Open-ended questions, which gives the other person a comfort to share their feelings, (and both a listening ear, and an attentive gaze to their answer) help to develop a conversation.  Acknowledgement of what they are saying or feeling also helps the process.  If I might not handle a situation the same way, or agree with what they are saying, I have learned to share what I might do differently, and explain what makes me feel that way.  Above all, I look to avoid judgmental answers or statements.  We all come from different backgrounds and experiences.  We also all have different likes and dislikes, and frankly fears in our life.

For example, those who get to know me well learn that I have grown up with a great fear of animals, including house pets.  This goes back to an incident when I was about five or six years old of being attacked by a dog, when I was counselled just stand still and nothing will happen.  And, while I have had some who understand, I have others who have given me all sorts of advice to get past that fear.  However, I learned about 20 years ago, the biggest thing is they “truly don’t understand what I feel when that fear goes through me”.

I was with my wife on vacation.  We had been married for 15 years.  We were ready to walk on an open planked bridge over a large gorge in Colorado for a picture taking opportunity.  As we started out a few steps, I realized, I was walking alone.  My wife informed me she was frozen solid and not going any further.  (She did encourage me to go on, because she wanted the fantastic pictures from this spot). After I returned from the viewing and picture taking, she asked me later, is the fear she experienced not crossing the bridge, like what I feel, when I was around an animal, or especially a dog.  I assured her that was exactly what I felt.  She apologized immediately for not understanding how that fear has “paralyzed” me all these years.

We only learn about others when we are willing to open up to each other.  Additionally, we really get to know them when they can trust we will LISTEN AND NOT JUDGE them for their beliefs and feelings.  The connecting to others helps us in our work lives, personal lives, spiritual lives, or whatever dimension of which you can think.  Are you open to having those conversations, again, that gets you to know others, and they you?  

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