I Was Getting Tired of the Yelling
Recently I have begun working with a number of clients that come from similar backgrounds as me. We grew up in towns made up of hard working parents predominantly in blue collar industries. We’re from strong ethnic backgrounds where people are passionate about their beliefs. And, frankly, we are from families and friends who when they are strong in those beliefs tend to be quite loud in stating those beliefs, particularly when they are challenged.
Many years have gone by since my younger days. I have met a large number of people from many different backgrounds and cultures. My coaching studies have taught me many different ways to express my emotions even when facing difficult situations. And, yet I find there are times when I do let things get the best of me, that I can find myself expressing my frustration in a demonstrative way. What makes this even more pronounced is that I then carry those negative feelings for a longer period of time than I would prefer. After one such set of outbursts in early July, I convinced myself I have to do better in this regard. Part of it, is that the outbursts don’t necessarily change or solve anything. The down feelings cause me to not accomplish as much as I seek when I’m in such a mood. However, most of all, I realized I needed to change for one very simple reason. I found that “I was getting tired of the yelling.”
While the clients I am working with have not stated theirs feelings as bluntly as me, they also feel the same thing. Often when working with me, they’ll talk about finding an alternative way to handle upsetting situations in their life. Some will find they will stew angrily for hours. Others revert to the same patterns from childhood. However, the one thing that my clients and I have in common is that we don’t like the feeling of being angry. Part of it is we do know better, (that there are ways of looking at negative situations and turning them into positives). Often the person or thing we’re angry at does not share the same feelings. Therefore, even though we may be upset about what has us down, the only person being torn apart by the situation is ourselves. Anger keeps us from moving forward whether it be toward a solution to what is troubling us or toward what we truly want to accomplish in our life.
Anger itself is not the problem. It is how we learned to express the anger that holds us back. When we work from a perspective of acknowledging we’re angry or unhappy about a situation we face, express that we’re not happy about what has happened, and then take the time to work the steps toward a solution, we’re not wasting time letting anger hold us back. Among the ways that we’re learning to work through the anger is to approach it from a more positive energetic approach. That may mean being able to reconcile what has happened and forgive the person that has hurt us. Another way may be to look at the situation from the view of another and see where we may be able to help them move forward. Perhaps there is an opportunity to address what has happened by coming up with a solution that will help yourself and another party both receive what they want. Most of all, the best lesson my clients and I continue to learn is that anytime one takes an approach of “you must lose, for me to win,” that the anger never stops and the situation or problem never goes away. For those of us who grew up in the types of families I described, some of these angry feelings while not being present every second of every day, actually do go on for very long periods of time (sometimes for years).
Do you find yourself frequently frustrated? When a situation occurs and the outcome is not what you wished for, or if someone does something to get you angry, do you react with verbal outbursts of emotion? Realize it does not have to be that way. There are other choices. There are other ways to move forward. The longer you choose to hold onto the anger, the longer you only hurt yourself. Like my clients who have shared similar emotions and are continually working to move forward from them, perhaps you too “will get tired of the yelling.”
